Dating...

I am a horrible date. I am. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a fun person to be around. I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I know how to laugh and enjoy myself. But that's about where my dating skills end. (Besides the killer heels I wear...)I suck at dating. I do. And I'll be the firs to admit it. Why? Where the hell do I start?I am a clutz. A bad clutz. Like trip over something that isn't even there clutz. Like can't make it 3 hours in white pants without a stain clutz. Like try to take a drink of beer and end up knocking the entire thing over onto the bar clutz. Like try to give you a hug but somehow end up entangling your hair into my earrings and need some peanut butter to rectify the situation clutz. I drop things, break things, trip over things, forget things and spill things. And put a drop or ten of alcohol in me and it gets even worse. Yea, I'm THAT girl.

It sucks. Now, I have accepted my clutziness and embraced it fully. I can fall flat on my face in a white business suit and walk into a meeting covered in black splotches from eating shit in the parking lot and crack a joke about it. The problem is that some other people can't. It takes a strong man to be able to walk next to me while I fall on my ass for no apparent reason and not get embarrassed. In fact, I have been with many men who though that various tactics they used would CHANGE this about me. I shudder at the word: change. Not when it comes to myself...I am always changing. It's part of adapting and living life openly. But to have someone else set out to CHANGE a certain aspect of me just downright pisses me off. And men do that all the time. One guy thought yelling and me and pitching violent tantrums anytime I broke, spilled or forgot something would somehow magically make me graceful and smooth.

It didn't. All it did was make me bitter and resentful towards him. I felt like my daddy was always watching over me, waiting for my next mistake so he could bite my head off. Needless to say, it didn't last.I am forgetful. Very forgetful. I forget doctor appointments, birthdays, special events, due dates for bills and yes, I forget to call and return texts and *gasp*...scheduled dates. A lot of guys get very offended by this. They think that if they are that important then I would automatically remember. Not true. I think paying my bills is one of the most important things in my life, yet every month I have to set a reminder in my phone to alert me when they are due. And the 2nd. And the 3rd. It has NOTHING to do with importance. I am just forgetful. I don't know why. I don't care why. It doesn't matter to me. It's just how it is. . So one day I was looking for my lost keys and someone asked me why I didn't have them hanging on the nifty little hooks by my front door specifically meant for my keys.

When I replied that I don't always remember to put them there, he said, "Well I will just have to make you remember."I immediately stopped looking for the keys, stiffened my spine, spun around to him and asked him just how he planned on doing that. He replied that he would MOTIVATE me to put my keys in the right place.Psssssht. Are you kidding me? Me being forgetful is something that probably only Ginkoba or whatever it's called can help. I am oblivious. To what, you might ask??? Everything. I don't catch on to hints very well. I am extremely intuitive, and I can probably tap into your psyche without very much effort. But try to open a door for me and I am already on the other side and wondering what you are still doing in the restaurant. I spent a day with one guy, and we were going here and there. About halfway through the day, I noticed that he was coming over to my side of the car every time we went to get in. At first I figured he was just engrossed in conversation, but then I noticed that he always had an uneasy look on his face right before he walked over to his side to get in.

It took me a second, but I suddenly realized that he was being cordial!!! He was trying to open my door for me! So for me to not catch onto that shows just how oblivious I am. I don't mean to offend anyone...I just am off in la la -land tra-la-la-ing my way through life. Sometimes ya just have to say "Hey back up and let me open your damn door!!!" hahahaI am incapable of making small decisions. I just can't. What do you want to eat? I don't care. Where do you want to go? I don't care. What movie do you want to see? I don't care. And you know what?? I honestly DON'T!!! I could give a darn where we go or what we eat or what movie we go sit through. I just don't. ask me about chinese vs. mexican dinner and my brain can't process it. It's just how I work. There are a million other little reasons why I am a horrible date, but I won't bore you with them all. I just know that I bomb when in forced awkward intimate situations. (Yes I stole that from Wedding Crashers. GREAT MOVIE. *i heart u vince!!!*) So I tend to steer clear of it. I prefer to go out on first dates with guys that I have talked to, IM'd, texted, emailed, etc for quite a while already.

This way if I eat shit walking into the restaurant, I can stand up, brush myself off and look at the people around me and state that I think I need to lay off the Xanax and he will laugh because he knows that I just have an abrasive sense of humor. It just works for me. I don't know how people date these days. Am I just getting old or what? Cause I'm too damn tired to do the dance anymore. If I can't end the night walking through the casino carrying my shoes then I'm just not gonna be too jazzed up about going. Know what I mean???