Online Dating...
I've done a lot of online dating. Whatever you want to say about it, it's a great way to get out there and meet a wide variety of people. Even if it doesn't bring you to Mr. Right, it can help you narrow down what you don't want in a man.
It can also help you spot, right away, Mr. Fixer-Upper. Mr. Fixer-Upper comes from an interesting breed of male. (And yes, there are Ms. Fixer-Uppers too.) Mr. Fixer-Upper should NOT be dating. He's clearly not ready to get back out there again, but instead of investing in a therapist, as he should be doing, he is out there dating. And every female he meets takes on the role of shrink in his life.
If you're online dating, usually it rears its ugly head in that first phone call. I once was having my first ever conversation with a guy who appeared normal in his pictures. And he was normal, just...broken. He began to tell me, without my asking, that his wife had left him for another man and taken his two kids...over a year ago. Within three months of that, he met a woman through an online dating site who worked out well, for a while, until one day when she flew to Atlanta to meet with an ex-boyfriend. She proceeded to fly back and forth to Atlanta for months, very openly cheating on this guy. He asked her to stop but she refused and after months of letting her cheat on him, he finally "had to put his foot down."
I had to put my foot down. I avoided the guy like the plague. Then there was the guy who talked about his ex for 45 minutes before I finally said, "I'm going to say something in an effort to help you out." I told him, point blank, that he'd discussed his ex for 45 minutes in a bitter, nasty tone. He needed to take some time to work through all of that BEFORE he dated again, to which he spent another half an hour or so trying to convince me he WAS over the "psycho bitch." Yeah.
I ended up deciding, through that, that it didn't pay to try to help these guys. All you could do was get out of the conversation as quickly as possible and turn your phone off for the next few days until they got the message.
Mean? Maybe. But try being up front and honest with Mr. Fixer-Upper and see what happens. He then feels the need to convince his pseudo-psychiatrist that he is, indeed, quite sane. And his insecurity leads him to convince and convince and convince and convince until you are exhausted. Do they see it? Are they completely blind to it? As a rule of thumb, it's best never to utter the words "psycho bitch" in regards to your ex...especially on a first date. It just makes you look like the psycho one. If you're constantly having first dates, only to find the other women never return your call again, from my personal experience you need to ask yourself two things:Are the photos in your online dating profile accurate?
How much of your first date conversation is about your ex?(Unless the answer to number two is "zero," you might want to work on that.)And if YOU, in the course of dating, ever find yourself in the position of shrink, it's best to get out now. Look for someone who has already been preshrunk.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
FIGHT TO THE FINISH .....
"Never go to bed angry," many wise men (and women) have said. "Don't let the sun set on an argument." "Always make sure you say 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night." There are simple, logical reasons for that advice. A couple of weeks ago, TV spokesman Billy Mays went to bed and never woke up. He was 50 years old.
His wife discovered him dead upon waking the next morning. The story haunted me from the moment I heard it...one, because 50 just isn't all that old. It's 9 years older than my brother.....8 years younger than my mother. It could happen to any of us. Depressing, I know. Think of all of the times in your life you've gone to bed angry with someone. Or have hung up the phone, furious, without saying you love each other. Think of the times one of you stormed out of the house and got behind the wheel. What would have happened if your loved one had been taken from you? How devastated would you have been to know the last words you spoke to that person were spoken in anger?
Some people have to go away from an argument and cool down, coming back later to deal with it. Sometimes those people never even deal with the problem. They just assume their "cooling off" period resolved the issue. Meanwhile, the other person's resentment continues to build and build and build... I'm someone who drives the person I'm with crazy. A friend once told me I'm a "resolutionist." I cannot rest until an issue is at rest.
People like me always, inevitably, end up with the type of person who runs away from a fight. And people like me ALWAYS drive those people absolutely crazy. "Why can't you just give me an hour or two to calm down?" those people will ask. Because by the time that person has calmed down and come back to you again, inevitably he or she will want to talk about anything but the issue at hand. But guess what? You can bury issues but they're still there. Beneath that big, cozy rug over there. And resolutionists know it's there. It's that dirt that makes your relationship stink to high heaven.
On the flip side, though, are those like me who have to analyze everything to death. Everything has a reason, usually embedded in past relationships or even childhood hurts. Some people just get tired of psychoanalyzing everything to death. They just want to take a pill and go to bed, for God's sake, but she will not. Stop. Talking. Somewhere between these two extremes, there's a compromise. A middle ground. Maybe the key is for both of you to meet somewhere in the middle. Agree to go away but only IF you'll discuss (in moderation) the issue at hand once you've both cooled down.
Or maybe sometimes the analytical type just needs to accept that not everything has a solution. Not everything can be "fixed." So...which are you? In a fight do you have to go away? Or do you like to fight to the finish?
"Never go to bed angry," many wise men (and women) have said. "Don't let the sun set on an argument." "Always make sure you say 'I love you' before you go to sleep at night." There are simple, logical reasons for that advice. A couple of weeks ago, TV spokesman Billy Mays went to bed and never woke up. He was 50 years old.
His wife discovered him dead upon waking the next morning. The story haunted me from the moment I heard it...one, because 50 just isn't all that old. It's 9 years older than my brother.....8 years younger than my mother. It could happen to any of us. Depressing, I know. Think of all of the times in your life you've gone to bed angry with someone. Or have hung up the phone, furious, without saying you love each other. Think of the times one of you stormed out of the house and got behind the wheel. What would have happened if your loved one had been taken from you? How devastated would you have been to know the last words you spoke to that person were spoken in anger?
Some people have to go away from an argument and cool down, coming back later to deal with it. Sometimes those people never even deal with the problem. They just assume their "cooling off" period resolved the issue. Meanwhile, the other person's resentment continues to build and build and build... I'm someone who drives the person I'm with crazy. A friend once told me I'm a "resolutionist." I cannot rest until an issue is at rest.
People like me always, inevitably, end up with the type of person who runs away from a fight. And people like me ALWAYS drive those people absolutely crazy. "Why can't you just give me an hour or two to calm down?" those people will ask. Because by the time that person has calmed down and come back to you again, inevitably he or she will want to talk about anything but the issue at hand. But guess what? You can bury issues but they're still there. Beneath that big, cozy rug over there. And resolutionists know it's there. It's that dirt that makes your relationship stink to high heaven.
On the flip side, though, are those like me who have to analyze everything to death. Everything has a reason, usually embedded in past relationships or even childhood hurts. Some people just get tired of psychoanalyzing everything to death. They just want to take a pill and go to bed, for God's sake, but she will not. Stop. Talking. Somewhere between these two extremes, there's a compromise. A middle ground. Maybe the key is for both of you to meet somewhere in the middle. Agree to go away but only IF you'll discuss (in moderation) the issue at hand once you've both cooled down.
Or maybe sometimes the analytical type just needs to accept that not everything has a solution. Not everything can be "fixed." So...which are you? In a fight do you have to go away? Or do you like to fight to the finish?
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