Why Cancer? Why my Aunt??

It's been about a week. A whole week since I found out my Aunt's Breast cancer has spread to her brain. The longest week on my life! What do you do when you find something like that out? What can you do? I live 500 miles away. 

I haven't been able to tell my family how completely shattered I am. I am the strong one. I am the one who holds it together. I don't cry. Not in front of anyone. But crying is all I seem to do now.  I really don't know how to cope. 

I feel so selfish. Here I am thinking how much I will miss her. What about my poor Grandma. She lost one of her 3 daughters just a few short years ago. Now she is about to lose another. No Mother should have to watch her children die.

6 months. That is what we are told. She has 6 months to live. My Mom says it will be less. My Mother, the caregiver. She has been caring for people all her life. Not just because she is a nurse. 

She has been taking care of my Grandma for as long as I can remember. My Grandma has one leg. She was hit by a car while pregnant. Lost her leg. My mom cares for her. Now she is caring for my Aunt. My Mom is in pain. She needs a hip replacement, and knee replacement. But she does it. Because that is her sister, and nobody should die alone in a strange place. 


Here I am, no job, 500 miles away. And I feel like a jerk. I am not there to help. I should be. And this tears at me every day.  There isn't much time left for my Aunt. I should be there. I should be helping. But I am not. Because I started a life here, 500 miles away from my family.  

My heart aches. I love my family. I miss them so much. Why don't I go back home? I don't know. They need me. I know this. Am I scared? Yes!!!  I don't want my Aunt to die. As little kids, we don't think about that. People live forever. In our tiny little minds, death does not exist. 

Then we grow up. We get older. The elderly get older. The sick get sicker. And people die. We try to close our eyes to it. We try not to think about it. Until it happens. Then, it is all we can think about. We question our religion. We question humanity. We want to know why. Why do bad things happen? 

 We cannot live forever. But why does death have to be so ugly? Why does cancer exist? Why does any horrible death exist? Why can't we just go in our sleep? Peacefully, and quietly when it is our time? But death comes in cold, and violent. Collecting souls, and leaving the living  with so many questions.

I go to see my Aunt in 3 weeks. I am scared. I want to be strong. But I am afraid that I am going to break down when I see her. I don't want to make everyone else cry. For once in my life, I don't know how to handle something,. 

UPDATE:  I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE. DAYS AFTER WRITING THIS BLOG, MY AUNT LEFT THIS EARTH. WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A TIME TO SEE HER, AND SAY GOODBYE, WAS TIME USED FOR A FUNERAL. IT HURTS THAT I WENT TOO LATE!