Why Do We Allow Fear To Control Us?

Staring at a picture I have stored away, they seem so perfectly happy, so in love. Niagra Falls. An embrace. He's kissing her hair, smiling for the camera. She's snuggled against his chest, tightly held in his arms. But thats not me. I'm not in the embrace- the man I once loved is holding someone else. I was unknowingly left behind. Left alone....alone....again.
Facing a future by myself, I wonder if I'll find love again. Wondering if I'll ever experience that magic again. My worst fear- to never share my life with someone, to carry on alone, to never find that amazing depth of love I once knew.Meh, f*** it. I could go on and write another 'tragic soul' blog, share my torment of being left alone, broken hearted once again, trapped in the paralytic fear that I will be alone forever. But I'd be lying. I have a choice.

CHOICE

CHOICE

CHOICE

I can allow the fear to control me, to allow me to walk around life broken and shattered or I can try and control the fear itself, to control the fear of the unknown, the fear of the future, the fear of me.Why do we allow fear to control us? To hold us back, to allow ourselves to settle for less than what and who we should be? I find myself doing it time and time again- fear of risk, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of the future. There are legitimate fears, our children, the economy, our jobs. We as a species were inbred with fear for survival, to flee from predators and forces of nature. So why don't we use it the way it was intended instead of allowing it to defeat us? Where did we go wrong on this?And I get scary closet monsters and ghosts.

I've been known to run in my dark bedroom and jump on my bed so the monster doesn't grab my ankle from underneath. And I'm 46. I sleep with the lights on when I watch Ghost Hunters or A Haunting. But why do I allow myself to be afraid to take a risk? To do something different that would change my world? To be alone? I've grown accustom to my safe world, I know where everything is, I have order. To reach beyond that might shake things loose, I might experience change, and I could even be better for it. And yet, I'm afraid to step outside my box.
My fear of being alone has forced me to stay in bad relationships, I was afraid to get out when I should have. I suffered and settled for less than I deserved because 'alone' was so much scarier than the bad reality I lived in. But was it really? That I wasted time being miserable for something that may or may not ever happen? For something that was pure speculation?
Now that I have been alone for awhile, looking back I realize how foolish I was. Sure, I prefer being in a relationship, being part of something bigger than myself, belonging to someone. But until that happens, I've made the choice to be happy. To do the things I've always dreamed of, to take as much risk as I can handle, to reach outside of my box. I've been hiking, traveling to places I've never been, to do things I've always wanted to try. Do I get lonely sometimes? Abso-f**ing-lutely, but I don't allow it to hold me back.

I have a choice to stay home on Valentine's Day crying to romantic movies or to go out and have fun with friends. I have the choice to wallow in my loneliness or go out and meet new people, even internet dating (there's a blog in itself). I have the choice to stay home a tortured soul or to go out and explore- even all by myself- and figure out the world. I've discovered that I can't rely on someone else to make me happy, it's an inside job. I can't worry about the future and being alone.

I'm alone right now, this minute. It's here...and it isn't bad at all.